This past Friday the 25th I turned 34. Now to most this doesn't really mean anything except, your a year older. For me, it was a breakthrough moment. I was finally coming out of my "Jesus" year. I say that because, think about what Jesus went through for us, how old was He? He was 33 years old. So needless to say when I was 32 I was not looking forward to 33 because I wasn't ready to go through something that could possibly knock me down or out. Life isn't always kind but if we aren't in the right mindset or have the right attitude we will often miss what we are meant to learn.
My 33rd year was definitely my roughest year. Many changes, many losses, much crying, much anger, depression, loneliness, and my list can go on....but I think you get the idea. In going through all of this there were times I didn't understand why I was even in the trial. I was doing everything I knew to do, I was praying, I was faithful to church, gave of myself when needed, gave of my resources even when it was a sacrifice to me and my family, encouraging others when I wasn't encouraged for myself. Hypocritical, you think to yourself? Well, maybe, but encouraging others is what I know to do because God has given me the gift to do so, so just because I'm not feeling it doesn't mean I can't bless someone else.
My Pastor preached last Wednesday night on the book of Phillippians. The main theme of the book is best said in Phil 4:4-7: "Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all mean. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing: but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
We are to rejoice in all things, good and bad. Good and bad. Most rejoice in good and whine and cry in the bad and wonder why..I've done it...so have you. After listening to my Pastor speak on these things, it hit me, change how I see things, change how I see suffering.
Phillippians is a book about Christ in our life, in our mind, as our goal, as our strength, and joy through suffering. It also teaches that there is much to gain if we are willing to lose/sacrifice. Its when we are low and broken that God can fill us with Him, fill us with things that is good for us. Broken...that word has been a word that was my normal state of mind when I was 33. I wasn't always willing to rejoice. In fact, I was angry. I was many things, but not rejoicing. When it was time for altar call, I went up...but I often didn't feel any release or comfort like I should have. I didn't let anything go. I looked around at others and saw the breakthrough they were having. In my heart, I wanted to be like them and have that same breakthrough. I wanted so bad for God to come and fix everything, to tell me that it was a mistake and it wasn't me that had to go through these things. I didn't happen. In fact, I felt more alone. More broken. I remember many a night as I was laying down, with eyes wide open, and often filled with tears, I'd find myself screaming in my mind. Screaming WHY??? Screaming JESUS!!!! Then I'd cry myself to sleep or I would be restless and sleep was no where to be found. This of course affected me in other areas of my life. It affected my children. I was cranky. I was short tempered. My kids didn't need a mama that was too tired, angry, unhappy...and this list could go on as well. They needed to see me with a better attitude. They needed to see me praying. They needed to hear me worship and praise God for who HE is and how good He is. They needed to see me in a trial and how to handle a trial...they needed to see me REJOICING in my suffering. Life isn't always magical and wonderful and butterflies and rainbows. Nevertheless, rejoice, in all things. All things work together for good to those that love the Lord. Be encouraged that God is always with you and He will never leave nor forsake us.
We may not always feel Him, but He is there. Its in the quiet and lonely times we need to press forward and continue in Praise and Worship, whether we feel it or not. We need to REJOICE in Jesus. He is what makes us able to do all things. I know its easy to pity yourself and to mope about...but don't stay there too long...again, be encouraged and REJOICE. The Lord knows where we are.
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